Learning about Muggle Culture
by empathic-girl
Summary: Hermione drunk?  Ron high? An unsure Harry leads his friends home with a somewhat friend.  Will things change between the group? And what does the laser light pen have to do with anything?  RWxDM HPxHG                            Not to be taken seriously!


**AN:** Okay, so as stated before, this is completely a crack fic. The pairings are Draco Malfoy and Ron Weaseley, and Hermione Granger and Harry Potter. This is why I should never play video games while sick with my brother.

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><p><strong>The Red Light<strong>

It had been only a few days since Harry had defeated Voldemort's army. Things seemed to finally be falling into place. Hermione had invited both him and Ron to spend a few weeks at her parent's house, the first muggle house Ron been in (not including the Dursley's who were insane).

It seemed that Hermione had relaxed some what, given the fact that she had taken her NEWTs and scored well, so there was no homework or studying for her. In fact, Harry noted, she'd become down right devilish in the past few days.

They had been slowly introducing Ron into muggle culture. The had begun with simple movies. Animated Disney classics, Hermione had called them. She hoped that because they were animated, and not human like, Ron would not speak with them. He didn't.

Bringing video games into the mix surprised Ron a little bit. He liked the strategy based games like Halo and its descendants. He smiled and asked about the weaponry, whether muggles actually had things like a sonic grenade.

They tried regular television. Ron had figured out by the end of the first comedy that talking to the people wouldn't work. He had a few questions about the objects, but nothing the pause button and a Hermione lecture couldn't fix.

Harry questioned Hermione's idea to watch a cheap horror movie. He didn't feel all that frightened, but it certainly confused Ron when she started screaming "Don't go in the room!"

She had forced them to watch a, as she deemed it, 'cult classic'. He didn't understand the movie much, but she told him to throw toast at the screen and put a newspaper over his head, which made him even more confused.

He may have had doubts about the movies she wanted to watch, but the muggle party that they went to was a bad idea from the start. He could immediately smell the alcohol drifting from everyone in the room a block away it seemed. They had lost Ron half an hour ago, and were attempting to find him amongst the crowd. You would think that a gangly redhead would stand out in a crowd, but he didn't. That was where he and Hermione were now.

Hermione had a hold of his arm and was giggling about something another girl had said. He could smell the alcohol on her breath, but he shrugged it off. He had only one drink that night, and that was water. Moody's words about constant vigilance had apparently stuck with him. Hermione was holding on to him for dear life, as she seemed to have lost the ability to walk in a straight line. He managed to make a shuffle slide towards another part of the house and walked into a room filled with smoke. Silently casting a bubble head charm on both himself and Hermione he entered the room and looked around. There were various people littered around on the floor. He managed to spot his red-headed friend in one of the corners. He left Hermione to lean on a wall and walked carefully over to his other best friend. Ron had something thin in his mouth that Harry took as a cigarette. He removed it from his mouth and stuffed it into someone else's. He lifted his friend up by the armpits and dragged him over to where he had left Hermione, only to find her gone. He scanned the room looking for the giggling girl, before leaving the small smoky room.

Ron began muttering something about the pretty colours coming to eat him. Harry ignored him, writing it off as some side effect of the smoke inhalation. He spotted a bushy haired brunette across the room talking with another guy. Jealousy flared up inside him, making him frown. Why would he be jealous of Hermione talking with another guy? He dragged Ron across the room to Hermione, watching her interact with the bleach blonde guy.

Wait, was that Malfoy? What was he doing at a muggle party? Harry walked quicker towards the two.

Upon reaching them, he began "What the hell are you doing here Malfoy?"

"Potter, I thought we were past that when you defended me in my trial." Malfoy said. Hermione giggled.

"H-harry, (why is that your name? You'ren't very hairy.) Draco is here because he was looking for a romantic par-rtner." Hermione giggled again.

"What I think she meant to say was that I was looking for a hook up and found you three. Are you the only one that's sober Potter?" Malfoy asked, watching Ron attempt to run from spiders and chase butterflies at the same time as holding on to Harry.

"I know that she's not sober." Harry said, gesturing to Hermione who was currently hanging off Malfoy. Anger bubbled in his chest. "Not sure about Ron though." Unknown to Harry, Malfoy did catch the look Harry had sent the heir went he noticed Hermione on his arm.

"Potter, I doubt you would be able to control both the Weasel and Granger when they both want to do different things. You're going to need help bringing both back." Malfoy said, observing the actions of both his friends.

"You offering?" Harry said, smiling slightly. He and Malfoy had become allies of a sort. Most would call it a tentative friendship, but it was Malfoy.

"Yes, Draco has to come!" Hermione squealed. Harry frowned. Ron nodded too. The two inbreeded friends began chanting Draco's name.

"Looks like I've got no choice." Malfoy said. Harry smiled at the elder boy. The now quartet managed to drag half of their little group out of the house and began walking down the street.

"Where are we going with tweedledumb and tweedledumber Potter?" Malfoy asked. Harry stopped in his tracks.

"I have no idea. Hermione said she would lead us back to her place." Harry said.

"Brilliant idea Potter, ask the drunk girl where she lives." Malfoy said.

"Draco don't be mean to Harry." Hermione said pouting. She removed herself from his person and began walking (albeit not straight) towards the end of the road. Ron attempted to walk with her. They began talking in the language known only to drunks. Harry and Malfoy trailed after the two.

"Potter, I am going to tell you know. Granger isn't my type." Malfoy said, smirking the famous Malfoy smirk.

"What, she's muggleborn?" Harry asked rudely. Malfoy sneered.

"No Potter, she has her reproductive organs on the inside." Harry frowned, attempting to understand what Malfoy had said. Suddenly it hit him.

"You're gay!" Harry said. Malfoy pinched his nose.

"Don't go spreading that around. The wizarding world doesn't accept people who are gay. Remember the big uproar about Dumbledore being outed?"

"Shit, that sucks Malfoy." Harry replied.

"You're preaching to the choir." The two looked ahead to where the disaterous duo went, and saw that Hermione had led everyone into a small playground. Harry actually recognized the area they were in now, as Hermione had brought them here earlier that week. Hermione had ran to the swings and gotten on them.

"Hermione, love, I think you should get off the swings." Harry said, attempting to bring the girl back towards the road. Hermione had successfully managed to seat herself on the swings, and was attempting to go back and forth when Harry grabbed her around the middle. Sliding her off the swing set, he attempted to put her back on her feet when her legs gave out. She began sobbing.

"You call me love when no one else is around!" She cried out. She attempted to crawl away from Harry, showing off a bit of her panties with the short skirt she was wearing. Attempting to not stare too much at his friend's ass, he attempted to help her up a second time, results not changing. Pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation, he leaned down and offered to give the smaller girl a piggy back ride back to her home.

While Harry was attempting to sort out Hermione, Draco was also having some trouble with the Weasel, err- Ron.

"S'Obvious, yo'no." Ron slurred, watching his friends interact by the swings. He looked towards Malfoy, who seemingly was looking like a god in that light. The smoke he inhaled seemed to act almost as a truth serum, and Ron had to bite his tongue to not say what he thought. "An' yo'no, s'not even lik'm jelous o'te righ one." Ron said. Draco leaned down towards the Weasley. Unfortunately for him, Ron's instincts kicked in and he grabbed Malfoy by the back of the neck, drawing him in for a clumsy kiss.

While the two enemies were becoming better acquainted, Harry and Hermione had finally figured out the piggy back ride. Giggling, Hermione began running her fingers through Harry's hair. Harry, noticing, not for the first time, his very good friend had breasts, felt his pants tighten as she shifted behind him, rubbing her breasts against his back. He began walking towards the other half of the quartet, to find the two snogging the living daylights out of each other.

"Knew it was gonna happen, I did." Hermione whispered in his ear. Harry shivered. "S'obvious." She mumbled. "Almos's'obvious as I tried te be." Harry frowned at her words. It was then that he felt the soft kisses placed on his ear that he recognized what exactly she was saying. Unfortunately for Hermione's libido, Harry's conscience got in the way of anything happening. He kicked the two men rolling in the dirt, making them come up for air. Draco glared at the intrusion.

"Come on Malfoy. Let's get back and then you can snog Ron." Harry said sighing. Draco, after taking a few seconds, realized where they were and frowned. Nodding to Harry, Draco picked up Ron, and slung one arm over his shoulders. If he squeezed the Weasel's ass, it was purely on purpose. It was a slow march back to Hermione's house. Hermione was content to be on Harry's back and Ron attempted a few more times to snog Draco before sighing in defeat. When Harry actually made it to the front door, he put Hermione down and felt for the spare key. Taking it, he unlocked the door, and Draco lead Ron in, following an enthusiastic Hermione.

Hermione's devious nature seemed to have been further brought out by the alcohol, and she grabbed one of her parent's muggle laser pointers. Pointing it beside Ron, it took Ron's attention away from Draco, making the latter growl. Harry walked into the room, seeing Ron chase the red dot around, attempting to get it and walked right out the door. Hermione, noticing that Harry left, followed him after making the 'red dot of doom', as Ron had taken to calling it, disappear. Draco got Ron back and Hermione dragged Harry back inside the house.

Taken to screwing around with Ron again, she pointed the laser at Draco's crotch. When Ron noticed, he attempted to grab it. Looking at Harry, he spoke almost fearful words:

"Harry, the little red light is back."

Harry, knowing that Hermione would not stop, began pounding his head against the wall. Draco sighed, realizing that he wouldn't be getting any tonight. Hermione, laughing her head off, seemed to pass out after another ten minutes of scaring Ron. Ron, after deiciding that the red light could come back at any moment, curled into a ball and wept himself to sleep.

Draco left the 'Golden Trio' to their business, not before slipping his floo into Weaseley's back pocket. Even not sober the man could kiss. Harry, sighing at everything, stopped pounding his head against the wall and went to sleep in the guest room.

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><p>After waking up his two friends, Harry went to make something to eat. Hermione crawled into the kitchen and asked what happened last night. Looking at her, Harry felt the sudden urge to kiss her, and did so. Hermione responded, enthusiastically, but tired. Ron walked into the room while they were kissing, and flopped down. Inside he had already come to peace with the fact that they were together.<p>

Frowning at the sudden uncomfortable sensation on his butt, he stood and checked his back pockets. Finding a floo address in one of the pocket's to one Draco Malfoy, Ron frowned and shuddered. Maybe, when he was feeling better, he would floo and ask what happened to have Malfoy give him the floo address.


End file.
